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            On August 12th, 2019, I was scheduled for a c-section with our first baby boy. On August 5th I had a fetal weight and health ultrasound and my baby was normal and ready for delivery. He sucked his thumb, blinked his eyes and was visibly annoyed with being forced to take pictures. On August 9th I went for my last OB appointment before surgery and my son had no heartbeat. This is what most people know about me. It’s easy to focus on this part of my story, but the true miracle is only understood if you know who I was before Maddox went to live with Jesus.

            I’m Amber. I’m a mom of two beautiful daughters and one perfect son in Heaven. I’ve been married to my husband Stacey for thirteen years now and our journey as parents began almost nine years ago. We are a very below the radar couple. We have never stood out in any real way and that was by design.

            I identified as a Christian, but I had lost my way as a Christ-follower. I had the head knowledge, but my heart was in a desolate place. I had allowed complacency into my life for so long, that my heart had grown cold and distant. I could smile on the outside without any emotion touching the inside. I was a functioning corpse. I don’t say that to be dramatic, but to try to explain the dire circumstances of my heart.

            I had long ago decided that I must be strong at all times so that I wouldn’t be taken advantage of. I saw hope as weakness, because the opposite of hope is disappointment. If I never placed my hope in anything, then I couldn’t be disappointed. Disappointment leads to being hurt and I didn’t want anyone to think I could be hurt or vulnerable. Bleak, I know, but it was my form of protection.

            For years I lived in a grey area. Weeks of my life went by in monotony. I had a weight of guilt crushing me, but didn’t feel like I could go to God because I was not good enough for Him. I’d never felt like enough for anyone and too undeserving of His Grace. I drifted farther from God, my husband and even my morals.

            I was seeking to feel something again. I made excuses for my sins while my heart turned into a stony thing. When my shame pierced me, I would cry out to God in anger and desperation. I was ashamed, but truly saw no answers. As I sat adrift in a sea of my own sins, I blamed Him. I played the great ‘IF’ game with God. I questioned my Creator. I was bitter and angry because those were the only types of emotions acceptable to me.

            When I wasn’t ignoring Him or blaming Him, I was begging Him to make me feel something! I knew I had a Threat Level Midnight heart issue going on and I felt tossed into the deep end without knowing how to swim. I was drowning! I could not fix it. My heart was a dead weight in my chest and I knew that I couldn’t bring it back to life. I’d given up. I hadn’t taken the Lord’s Supper in two years. I was afraid He’d strike me dead, but I was sick to my stomach every time I turned it down.

            I don’t like revisiting this version of myself. I need you to understand why I asked my husband to forgive me as we rode to the hospital for the second ultrasound that would ultimately confirm that Maddox was no longer alive inside of me. I saw the consequences of my sin playing out in the death of my son. God called me to account for my actions and this was my punishment.

            I’ll spare you the details of the horror it was to crush my eight year old’s heart and the burden of grief I carried for myself and my family. I felt personally responsible for the pain everyone was going through. I had to listen to people commend my strength while I blamed myself for the situation we were all in.

            But God. Not a sentence, I know, but God. He began downloading into my suddenly beating heart so rapidly that I could scarcely contain it. I felt His arms in every embrace. I saw His heartbreak in the tears of my friends and family. I experienced His Love in the outpouring of support that was flowing to us. There are too many realizations I made in that hospital bed and the days after to share them even in this lengthy missive, but there are a few I want to highlight.

            God did not do this to me. He allowed it, but I believe that Maddox’s death was a result of sin in a fallen world. I 100% believe that He could have changed my story, but He did answer my prayer. He made me feel something. The intensity of that which I felt, sand-blasted my heart. I had to feel the depth of all the emotions I had refused and suppressed. I was shook to the core of my being and my heart was broken. Pain was a yawning chasm and I was swallowed whole by it.

            My greatest strength lies in my weaknesses. Acknowledging and sharing my vulnerabilities points to a Father of Provision; a Father of Mercy and Redemption. In my weakness, God says that He is Sufficient. My greatest weakness was my fear of vulnerability. He tore down the walls of my heart to save me from ruin. I am not strong; God is. His strength has been my shield and He continues to give me a mighty portion to sustain me.

            Maddox still lives. He’s in the arms of my Savior and I couldn’t wish him to be in a better place. When his earthly heart ceased to beat, mine began again. Satan meant to destroy me. He was and is the lion seeking to devour. He delighted in the torture he caused, but he did not gain the victory. The sins of earth took my son’s life; the Mercy of Heaven resurrected me.

            I thank God for my story now. My son is not forgotten. Not even close. His memory is honored in our home. His name is spoken daily. God used his short earthly life to affect Kingdom changes. For a person who never lived outside the womb, God used him in a mighty way and he lives on as a catalyst in my life.

            I am a new creature. I am forgiven. I am treasured. Not because I deserve it, but because God ascribed that worth to me. He chased me. He sought me. He listened when only my tears spoke. Because of all of this, I can say to you; you can be forgiven. You are loved and treasured. In the Light of His Mercy and Grace, I am willing and honored to share the darkest of my days.

            This is the true message that I want conveyed through our family’s story. I am so very grateful. My God is amazing. He does not give up! Thank you so much for your continued support and prayers. I am so blessed to be a part of such a loving church family that reached out to us exactly as the body of Christ should. I love you all. I give God all the Glory and Praise.

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Watching what God does in one another’s lives is one of the sweetest things about being a church family.

This has been especially true as God has led multiple families in our church to foster and adopt. We love seeing how sh__6960God “sets the lonely in families” through Christ-followers who answer the call to raise vulnerable children. God worked in this very way through the Huguley family recently. Months ago God began to tug at their hearts, burdening them for the orphaned children around the world. After fervent prayer and seeking God’s will for their family, they committed to obey God’s voice and began the process. This past Spring, we celebrated with them as they brought their daughter, Hannah, home from China.

Check out this video of their adoption story (made by our very own Brad Thomas). We dare you not to cry.

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20150913_122625 (1)Matt Foster recently experienced a massive change in life direction. Once a self proclaimed agnostic, he now embraces faith in Christ and has publically committed to following Him.

Matt spent his entire adult life rejecting God, even though he had roots in the church and was introduced to Jesus as a child.

“I stayed with my grandparents a lot when I was young because my mom worked two jobs. My grandparents took me to church every chance they got and we went often. I loved being at church with them. They were really involved. Grandma was the pianist and Grandpa sang. We often sang Gospel songs together at their house and they would teach me Bible stories.

My grandma got sick, though. And I prayed and prayed that God would make her better. But he didn’t. Or at least he didn’t in the way I wanted. She died. And I got resentful. Her death drove me away from church. Over the next 15 years, I went maybe 2 times just because I knew it would make my Grandpa happy.”

Up until a year ago, Matt’s mind was made up that he would never re-enter church world. Or at least not the religion of his childhood. He checked into Buddhism, and Hinduism. He explored New Age and even read a Koran that someone gave him. And although he sought after a “higher power” nothing seemed to fit. He never committed to any of those forms of religion and considered himself an agnostic.

Two years ago, circumstances in his life began to unravel.

He and his wife went through an extremely difficult time and Matt turned to drinking to cope.

“I would leave work and start drinking to escape the pain. I didn’t know how to deal with the hurt and stress. I turned to alcohol for help and to avoid the tough circumstances I was living through.”

But it was during those extremely difficult days that God’s hand of providence began to sweep in.

Matt had long worked at Valley Pharmacy with Angie Moore. But while Matt was facing the terrible lows, Craig and Angie bought the pharmacy and Craig began working there full time as well.

“Angie and I had always enjoyed friendly debates about religion. I knew she cared for me and accepted me no matter my position, so it was a safe relationship to discuss things about God even though we didn’t agree. Craig and I could talk about Christianity as well. And when I started going through the toughest time in my life, they did more than talk. They were there for me. I began to look at Craig and realize how happy he was. I realized he didn’t need alcohol to be that way or cope with life’s problems. The way he lived became very attractive to me. I wanted what he had.”

It was during this very span of time that Angie and Craig began to visit First Baptist Valley. And it didn’t take them long before they were inviting Matt to come too.

“Over and over Angie asked me to come to church with them. Not in a pushy, way. And she never made me feel guilty about it. I could tell she just genuinely wanted me to come with them. ‘You will love the music,’ she would say. ‘Just come for the music.’ So finally about a year ago, I gave in and visited with them. I came sporadically for a long time. I did love the music. And when I came, I felt….something. But for a guy who had been denouncing Christianity for his whole adult life, making the commitment to dive in felt like I was being disloyal to who I had become. I kept it all at arms length and just visited every now and then.

At some point though, after visiting more and more often I realized I was beginning to consider this Christianity thing again. One particular weekend, things had been over the top busy at the pharmacy. We were all working long hours but still unable to keep up with the demand. Angie told me on Saturday that she was going to work the next morning to try and get caught up.

‘And miss church?’ I asked.

‘Yes,’ she said. ‘I guess so.’

I hated the thought of it. Angie LOVED church and I couldn’t stand the thought of her not going just for work. I told her that if she would go to church, I would go with her and then go back to the pharmacy to help. It seems so funny now.

She was usually the one begging me to go to church. But there I was insisting that she go and offering to go with her.”

Not long after that, Matt began attending more and more frequently. And by May he was coming every week. One Sunday was especially impactful, and he found himself at a crossroads.

“The worship band was playing the song “Broken Vessels.”  Suddenly, I was trying to hold back tears. I could no longer hide or try to push back how I felt; a connection with God. I was finally able to accept the truth that I hadn’t wanted to let in; that Jesus had been with me all along. And that I was right where I needed to be.

After church I got in my truck and cried all the way to Angie and Craig’s house. I knew down deep that I wanted to follow Christ. I no longer needed all the answers to my theological questions. I was content to figure out what He wanted me to as I went along. I was ready to embrace Christ, and put my trust in Him.”

Shortly after, Matt was baptized,, publically professing his faith in Jesus. And in a huge contrast from the way he previously held church at arms length, he has now dove right in! From volunteering at Lafayette-Lanier Elementary, to helping run the sound board and playing with the worship band, Matt has really gotten involved.

“I have always loved music. But honestly I used to look at Christian music as not very good.  Now though, I have a deep appreciation for it. It’s as good as the Beetles! I see how the worship band works at it, and how complex and wonderful it can be. It’s been great for me to be involved with that aspect of the church.”

No longer content to keep the secret to himself, Matt has also invited other people he cares about to come with him; his wife and daughter, his closest friend, and his mom.

“It’s kind of amazing. I just casually asked my buddy to come, and he did! He’s been visiting for several weeks now.”

When asked how his life has changed since he committed to following Christ, Matt answered,

“Problems still arise, but it’s easier to cope with them. Since God is here with me, I don’t face them alone. I don’t need to drink to deal with things. Before, Angie and Craig and my family were my only support. Now I have them and God.”

 

 

 

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Valley Baptist Church
5610 20th Street ~ Valley, Alabama 36854

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